Maybe today......I'll ask the young college girl talking to her friend about the 3mile marathon at her sisters school fundraiser sitting on the city bus if I could have her seat. I don't though, I stand through the jolts and turns baring my weight trying not to cry out in pain as the bus comes to a sudden halt. My ankles screaming at me in pain. I had to wear my flats today due to the swelling in my feet. I feel odd asking, I don't look sick in anyway. I look fat and lazy.
Maybe today......I'll go to the bus station and get a handicap badge, but I haven't yet. Handicap, it's such a horrible word. It means I'm not normal, not capable of being like everyone else even though I look like them.
Maybe today......I'll petition the apartment complex to put in handicap parking in front of our building so I don't have to carry those grocery bags from two buildings over. There it is again the word handicap, the signaling out that something is "wrong" with me. How do I explain that though I look this way on the outside, on the inside I'm decaying slowly. Eaten alive by inflammation and a slow deterioration of my joints.
Maybe today......I'll speak up at the pool as the people move our stuff from our table so they can have the shaded porch area for their family barbeque. I haven't yet, instead I've just stopped going. It doesn't seem worth arguing over.
Maybe today......I will take the elevator up to my class instead of walking the flight of stairs to the 2nd floor. I know that I won't however. I look at those stairs; simple things really, 30 in all. To take the elevator would be to admit defeat to the pain.
I look at my high heels, my pretty dresses, my scarfs, and I sigh. Maybe I'll wear them today, but I can't find the motivation.